May 14, 2025  |    Leave a comment  |    Home

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it would come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That is the eyesight guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical development-slash-luxurious housing calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Indeed, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are chatting Damascus, the city Traditionally known for historic tradition, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It will be tremendous. Large!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed in the Placing green within Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have had lovely ceasefires in Syria. Several of the very best. But now, we are constructing them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and totally outside of location. Intended by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A three-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour until the drone flies")




  • As well as a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 years for potable water. But Indeed, guaranteed, let us have another place exactly where American Guys can use robes and simply call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international policy analysts are calling this essentially the most audacious peace attempt because Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though past negotiations unsuccessful below the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is less complicated: provide Everybody a set to the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with paperwork printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is tender electrical power," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a deal as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock wants much less diplomats and even more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms mounted in each device. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination famous, "It isn't that Trump shouldn't open up a tower in the war zone. It truly is that he ought to quit using it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned with regard to the job, replied, "You recognize, guy, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Very good people. Good tan. Anyway, do I continue to have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility of the Levant."



Satellite Photos Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the lodge's landscaping forms an enormous Trump head obvious from Area, a feature currently being promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents as well as chin is… effectively, labeled.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits following obtaining the setting up's gold plating reflected a great deal sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set fire to a local melon cart.


"It can be not merely ugly. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," said Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing together with other Bewildering Features


Probably Trump Tower Damascus the strangest ingredient of the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium exactly where guests might ponder obscure disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, entire with local climate Regulate set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Area Syrians are Not sure what to generate of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-12 months-old Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising Strategy: "For those who Bomb It, They're going to Arrive"


The advertisement marketing campaign, lately leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxury is For good."


Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll carried out inside of a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% mentioned "wherever's the closest elevator towards the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Finally, a Crisis That Pays"


The undertaking is by now attracting attention from Worldwide traders, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll obtain a few penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial level may also contain:




  • A Dollar Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room According to the Iraq War





Remark Part Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the disclosing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to hold out to determine a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades instead of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a resort in which my PTSD might have convert-down support."


An additional write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officials worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Studies suggest:




  • China might open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to create a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights run by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the best floor "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Closing Views in the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that associated a few camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It needed gold. It necessary a waterslide shaped much like the Structure. I gave all of it 3. You happen to be welcome."

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